Being Meek

I've been struggling a lot lately with anger.  Some things that I've failed to let go from my youth have been causing an increased amount of bitterness to build up in my heart.  My patience has dwindled, my emotions constantly raw, my feelings never cooling enough to be of any consequence.

Over at Elusive Wapiti's blog, EW and I somehow stumbled into meekness.  Where I barely grazed the idea, I guess it stood out to EW enough for him to let it "soak in" so as to give a meaningful response.

His response included this definition of meekness:

A total lack of self-pride, to the point of a lack of self-concern...a decided strength of disciplined calmness [and] is also not a submissive or pacifying state, but rather an active proponent of what we know is right. Source

I was hit with truth and convicted by it. I don't feel angry, I don't feel offended - just somehow at peace. Everything that I've been angry about has revolved around pride.

I am bitter and angry because I was a good girl who tried to do everything right because I loved God - and no one who I cared about seemingly cared about me. My priest who I served diligently as an acolyte calls me by my sister's name. My youth minister was more interested in mentoring the popular crowd (and still has an active relationship with them) even though their lives in school did not recommend them. I was berated for being a goody-two-shoes, seen as a "holier-than-thou" by those I loved, shunned from confidences because I might be too judgemental.

Most of this has only begun to hit me now because I see many of the relationships between others from that time in my life thriving while I am barely on speaking terms with any of them.

But this is pride speaking - not meekness. I may have once been meek, but I am not so any longer. I want to call attention to myself (God knows why, I have nothing I really want people to really see!) and I want to be remembered. This isn't meekness.

About 5 years ago, I learned how to truly forgive someone. And I think its time I did so with my past. I do not need to seek out apologies, I do not need to throw this in their faces (I don't really think any of them read this...) - I just need to forgive and let go everytime it raises its head. Stop holding on.

And hopefully, I can recover and be made meek once again.

So, thank you EW - you made my comment much more than was intended.

Like Breathing Nitrogen

I honestly have no idea how my mind works, but on the way from the gym today, I was thinking about how the world really wants us to believe that men and women are the same.  We want women to do the same exact things as men and now, we want men to do the same things as women.  Some people embrace gender-neutral parenting, believing that a male and female infant aren't different from each other and that gender roles are assigned by society.  Where there are some things that anthropology shows us both genders are capable of, there are other things that are consistently performed by the same gender.  And there are other cultures who have short life-spans because of a reversal in those functions.

What I don't understand is that this is scientifically accepted.  Men and Women aren't THAT different, are they?  And yet the scientific community would quite emphatically agree that breathing in Nitrogen is significantly different from breathing in Oxygen.  Well why that example?  Nitrogen and Oxygen are ALMOST EXACTLY ALIKE.  They differ in ONE Proton.  But breathing in Nitrogen will kill you while Oxygen gives us life.  Well, men and women have different chromosomes.  Men are XY and women are XX.  They are different on a chromosomal level.  Those different chromosomes tell the brain what hormones to produce and those hormones effect the very development of the child's brain and body before they are even born.  For instance, estrogen encourages storage of fat while testosterone encourages the development of muscles.  A female child will be born with more fat than a male child will be.  It isn't just physiological though.  It's psychological as well.  Estrogen promotes the region of the brain associated with social interaction while Testosterone promotes the region of the brain associated with objects.  Baby boys are more tactile than girls and girls are more interested in their loved ones' faces than boys are.  And those innate tendencies have a dramatic effect on how little boys and girls play as they grow older. 

Where our society has come a long way in making our children more versatile as they grow, we have lost sight of the fact that male and female really are different.  Its in our wiring.  And instead of disowning our differences, we should be embracing them.  Our differences do not make one better than the other, it completes the us.  Male and Female together.  And that is good.

A Princess and her Crown

This is a first.  I don't usually post this kind of stuff because I'm not very consistent in it.  Not like I'm consistent in posting anything lately!

Meet the darling new baby, Anna Lyzette, on her baptism day =)  And aside from her rosy cheeks and lovely blue eyes and head full of crazy hair, check out the head band.  I made it with Tatting - a craft that uses lots of little knots to make lace.

Whip It Out

Its been a LONG time since I've posted anything! Life has just been in the way...in a very blessed way =)

We added a new family member recently...and its because of her that I am writing this post. She is 8 weeks old and we call her Anna...sometimes I call her Fuss Bucket. And she totally deserves that one.

She is a very different person than her big brother (who loves her to pieces). Her brother was easily pacified with a pacifier when he wasn't hungry. Not Fuss Bucket. Her brother was not so interested in fleshy suckers. Not Fuss Bucket.

For the first time since her birth 8 weeks ago today, I have learned about "EBF" - Ecological Breast Feeding. You see, this phenomenon, when done right, is what leads to a natural spacing of children 3-4 years...without using birth control. To be quite honest, as of yet I see no need for birth control because so far, I've been spending my nights with my little flesh-sucker permanently attached to me.

EBF is popularly referred to as "feeding on demand". This means when baby is hungry, when baby is tired, when baby is feeling sick, when baby has a tummy ache, when baby needs comfort...omg the list could go on!!!

So after my 100+ time feeding Fuss Bucket, modesty has lost all meaning to my weary brain and I'm afraid that I may "whip it out" because I no longer see it as anything but a fleshy feeding apparatus that is regrettably permanently attached to my body.

*Please note I love my new baby girl to pieces. I just wish she'd suck on a pacifier occasionally.