Monday, February 25, 2008

What I'm Entitled To

I've been spending the last couple of months in a quagmire of spiritual depression. It's been difficult and hard to handle - I find myself wrestling with God more often than not. Why? Well, its quite simple, really. I'm 24 years old, have a strong desire to be married and raising a family (God-given, I thought), and I'm still single, working in a job that requires me to make it my life.

Something that has been increasingly pressed on me in the last several weeks, though, has been my pride. I didn't think it was pride, at first, but rather a lack of appropriate thankfulness for the things I have been given. I think that stemmed out of a lack of respect and awe for who God REALLY is. So I started trying to thank him for all the things he's given me. That's not always easy to do when your stuck on something you want but it hasn't been given to you yet. It wasn't working - there was something else hidden deeper that was preventing the proper feeling of gratefulness and the good that my God has already done for me...

Last night, I stumbled on it...rather by accident. My pride has led me to a point where I feel that I am ENTITLED to certain things. Where I think I deserve to be given this or that. Well, guess what...I don't. None of us do. We're all the lowest of scum and the only reason we are given any blessings of any sort is because God loves us -
See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
~ Matthew 6:28-34

Now, I am convinced that someday I will be married - simply because I don't think God is so cruel to give a desire this strong and not do something with it. Either he'll temper it and replace it with something else, or he'll provide for it. But in no way should I feel entitled to it or deserving of it. It is a gift - that he will give in his time. I need patience. Patience and trust, that he will fufill the desire according to his plan. Trust that his plans are "to give [me] a future and a hope"...and not plans for disaster.

And an appropriate attitude of thankfulness that God would choose to love such a wretch as me.


Ashleigh said...

Christina, just wanted to say "thanks" to the compliment on the spelling of my name that you left on The Line. :-)

single/certain said...

i found you thru amir larijani's blog... he referenced some comments you made on the boundless site. i stopped posting on boundless because it just totally frustrated me!

i just wanted to say hi, and kind of give you a virtual pat on the back. i'm totally with you... the frustration and despair that come from the desire for marriage can feel crippling. it sounds like you're doing well, though.

the whole entitlement thing... i went through it, too! heck, i still struggle with it! at times i get frustrated and resentful and feel full of despair. but i have to check myself and remember that he has given me so much, and that evne when the path seems to be leading in the opposite direction of where i think i'm supposed to go, i have to trust Him. he made me, and he made the path, after all.

anways... keep writing and keep trusting!!!