Over at Elusive Wapiti's blog, EW and I somehow stumbled into meekness. Where I barely grazed the idea, I guess it stood out to EW enough for him to let it "soak in" so as to give a meaningful response.
His response included this definition of meekness:
A total lack of self-pride, to the point of a lack of self-concern...a decided strength of disciplined calmness [and] is also not a submissive or pacifying state, but rather an active proponent of what we know is right. Source
I was hit with truth and convicted by it. I don't feel angry, I don't feel offended - just somehow at peace. Everything that I've been angry about has revolved around pride.
I am bitter and angry because I was a good girl who tried to do everything right because I loved God - and no one who I cared about seemingly cared about me. My priest who I served diligently as an acolyte calls me by my sister's name. My youth minister was more interested in mentoring the popular crowd (and still has an active relationship with them) even though their lives in school did not recommend them. I was berated for being a goody-two-shoes, seen as a "holier-than-thou" by those I loved, shunned from confidences because I might be too judgemental.
Most of this has only begun to hit me now because I see many of the relationships between others from that time in my life thriving while I am barely on speaking terms with any of them.
But this is pride speaking - not meekness. I may have once been meek, but I am not so any longer. I want to call attention to myself (God knows why, I have nothing I really want people to really see!) and I want to be remembered. This isn't meekness.
About 5 years ago, I learned how to truly forgive someone. And I think its time I did so with my past. I do not need to seek out apologies, I do not need to throw this in their faces (I don't really think any of them read this...) - I just need to forgive and let go everytime it raises its head. Stop holding on.
And hopefully, I can recover and be made meek once again.
So, thank you EW - you made my comment much more than was intended.