To preface this post: I'm 100% anti-abortion, I love kids, I've spent the vast majority of my life wanting more than you can count on one hand, and have spent the last 12 years spending 1-2 days a month curled in a ball BEGGING God to let me meet someone, fall in love, get married, and GET PREGNANT...just to avoid those horrible, seemingly endless cramps.
Now that I'm there, I have to make a confession:
I hate pregnancy.
Ok, not as much as I hate menstrual cramps. It still stands that 9 months of freedom from THAT abomination is worth the 14-24-72 hours of pain that result in a precious gift from God. Vs the equivalent of 9*24 hours of pain with no benefit except an express need to take out the garbage.
But truth be told, pregnancy sucks. I want to know all those women who had such "wonderful" pregnancies cuz I swear, I don't believe them.
I'm not vain, I'm not that hung up over a gigantic stomach...not for aesthetic reasons, anyway...but I seriously have to say I feel deformed. For something that is so natural, I feel incredibly unnatural. I can't move without groaning, my mid-back is constantly sore, and when I'm lying in bed, you can play with my stomach like a Bozo Bop Bag. Bop me that way, I roll. Bop me the other, I come back. Just don't ask me to sit up, or you'll be waiting a while.
Maybe if the first 6 months hadn't been filled with unending morning sickness, I wouldn't have this attitude about it...But 6 months of torture to be replaced with a different kind of torture is just ridiculous. At least most women get 3 months off between morning sickness and playing "Bozo".
And this whole thing called an increased sex-drive during pregnancy? *Ahem* my husband hasn't seen any of that. More like me breaking out in unreasonable tears whenever he tries to make a pass. And do you know why I cry? Because I was so naive to think that I would never be one of those wives to turn her husband down and here I am so incredibly out of physical sorts that the thought of doing THAT turns my tummy upside down and has me begging to wait. Wait. Wait for...what is it? Six more months? No wonder I'm in tears. No wonder he waits til I'm asleep to come to bed.
And yet, the optimism for the end is very strong. I know that what my body is doing is good. That it is God-ordained that my body do these things. And I know it will be so worth it when we're done. And in spite of the 9-12 month dry-spell, I know God will give me back some physical desire for my husband =p
So until then, remember its worth it.
16 comments:
Love this post - Sounds just like me!! I started a website and blog for those sufferng from morning sickness - but often there is just nothing that can be done!!
Hugs
Claire
http://www.survivemorningsickness.com
Letting the whole world know that you're turning hubby down, and that it obviously bothers him?
You HOPE your desire for him will return?
I sympathize with your husband, and will bear this lesson carefully in mind when I look for a wife.
Anon,
You know the HOPE was to give some perspective to this entire mess.
My body is doing weird things that I am not at ALL thrilled with.
The fact that I've been turning him down bothers ME as much as it bothers HIM.
But all of you MRA folks seem to think that its ALL ABOUT YOU!
Guess what...there's some struggling on our side, too. Yeah, I'm scared cuz I've never done this before. THREE MONTHS OF RECOVERY AFTER A VAGINAL BIRTH??? And that's after 6 months of morning sickness where nothing stayed down and 3 months of growing like an overripe blueberry. Are you frieking kidding me? God help me its not that long (cuz it WILL be in his control), but this was my rather open and blunt attempt to display that some things REALLY aren't all they seem - and sometimes a little bit of fear is in play during this time...only a wee bit - like how much is this ENTIRE experience going to hurt? What is this going to do to my body AFTER this happens (not from a VANITY standpoint, either...purely from a FUNCTIONAL pov).
And yet you guys choose to stick your heads in the sand and assume that the only reason your wives turn you down is for some kinda power-trip. Get some perspective. They are human beings with real fears and problems, too.
The only hope I have is that this is God's design (as screwed up as it is after the fall). Countless women have been doing this for generations on end and somehow still manage to do it again (I have 4 younger siblings, so clearly my mother recovered).
That doesn't change the fact that these doubts and fears exist in me. And that I'm bothered by these changes that I feel are torture.
Frankly, my body isn't my own right now. And it isn't my husband's either. It currently belongs to my son who has taken full control of every tiny function my body now has. Its sole purpose is bent towards creating, nurturing, and protecting my son. When this is over, it will recover. And with that, will come the rest. But don't think fear of sex after delivery is a rare thing. And fear is a great hindrance of desire. When I get over the fear, I know the desire will be there. And I know what causes the fear and I know what I need to do to get over it. I just don't know how hard that will be just yet.
At least my husband understands because I have not kept my feelings secret from him. He knows my doubts and fears and desires. And he comforts me and loves me just the same.
Christina,
This is Victoria from the Boundless blog, I read your blog occasionally to see how your pregnancy is going. Don't worry, I'm pregnant right now too, due a few weeks after you, and I'm not loving pregnancy either. What's to love, right??? Just think though, you will only be pregnant for a small percentage of your entire life. And a lot of women report a decrease in PMS symptoms following childbirth. Keep your chin up and think about your little guy!
Victoria,
Thank you :) And look to you, too :)
Christina,
The reason why the guy made the comment about withholding sex is because we've heard women we know or work with talk about doing that very thing-cutting off Hubby for the power trip, revenge, whatever. We've also read the blogs where women will recount stories in hospital of fellow women telling them to ask the doctor for a note dictating a longer cessation from sex-not for any recovery, but just to get out of their wifely duties.
You know what pisses me off about all this? You gals would SPIT NAILS if your man decided to pull the same crap on you! You'd be angry as hell if he said, "Well, I don't feel appreciated; you're not meeting my needs. Therefore, I'm not going to take out the trash, mow the lawn, or anything else." You know DAMN WELL you wouldn't like it, but it's all right to do it to Hubby, right? Then again, you chicks have all the power (why else do you want to get married so badly?), and can do whatever you want to Hubby, knowing that Big Brother will back you up.
TGIS! Thank goodness I'm not freakin' married!
MarkyMark
Christina,`
You shouldn't be worried. Artificial Womb is just around the corner. Next generation would be free of pregnancy
But the frightening aspect is that, one we get it, feminists and anti-feminists can rant of irrelevancy of the either genders .
Hope I have not scared you :)
You don't know me but you sound like you need a hug! Try to find other ways of being intimate if you can't bare the thought of love making. As his wife it is your job to make sure your husband isn't starving for affection. Try to think sexy and be creative. Pregnancy can be hard but you have an end date. And don't think that you must wait 3 months after the baby is born. Even after a difficult vaginal delivery, I know that three-four weeks is doable with some communication. I was a newly wed during my first pregnancy and loving can be a mind over matter (or belly) fight! Give your hubby as much as you can when he is home. He needs you! Your marriage needs you! (Your son is taking care of himself atm!) Hugs!
BTW, I'm currently 14 weeks pregnant...so I'm encouraging myself here too!
Marky Mark,
I clearly understand that - but I made it quite clear that my abstinence feels just as forced on myself as it is on him. I thought I made it clear that it upsets me that the idea bothers me so much.
Luckily, I have a doctor's appt on Monday to discuss my reasons for abstaining. And if its what I think it is, I have 2 weeks to recover before facing the "bearded lion" so to speak (his own words were he'd be hungry as a lion when he returned =p).
BP,
In spite of ALL the issues with pregnancy, I prefer him in MY womb =p
Holly,
Thank you for the encouragement!
Chistina,
I'm sorry I let my anger get away on me. All I know is I've heard too many women give the same excuse, but they weren't at all bothered by what they were doing; if anything, I got the impression that they rather enjoyed it. Such is what turned me off to women and the prospect of marrying one.
I was reading Anna's blog, and she talked about this recently. She shared the Jewish custom on this. They wait till the bleeding stops, then wait another seven days on top of that. They don't engage in any physical intimacy during that time. You can go read it for yourself, but it seemed to me that there was some merit behind the Jewish custom-mainly because a 'one size fits all' solution, e.g. a six week cessation of sex, isn't imposed. Different people will recover at different rates, and the Jewish custom makes allowances for this.
On a more practical level, at my age, my sex drive has cooled way down. Oh, the plumbing still works, but it takes a lot of 'urging' to do so. I feel as if I've been released from the clutches of a savage beast! Now, the old, religious reason for getting married (i.e. a righteous avenue for satisfying one's desires) no longer applies to me; I don't have the desires to be satiated any more. For me now, there's no POINT to getting married.
Perhaps you can show your husband love in other ways. It's good you're going to see the doc too; hopefully, nothing's wrong, but it's best to find out early if there is. Good luck in any case.
MarkyMark
i hated both my pregnancies ... very sick in different ways the entire duration of both pregnancies ... absolutely hated pregnancy.
i had to go thru infertility to get pregnant the first time ... i was so thankful to be pregnant and yet after being so sick for so long, i just hated feeling that bad.
oddly enough, i looked fabulous pregnant ... that was a blessing. my first pregnancy you couldn't tell from behind ... just a basketball in front ... and i was 33!
but, oh, i was sooo sick.
i prayed first pregnancy that if i got pregnant again i wouldn't be sick. i wasn't sick to my stomach, and i could smell things the second time around before i took a bite ... i could eat chicken second time around and could only eat beef the first time ... but i had negative energy. and i mean, negative energy unlike anything i'd every experienced for even one hour in my previous 35 years.
but, now they're 9 and 11! it passes ... they grow up ... and my oldes is now developing into a tweenager emotionally AND physically ... and reminds me she'll be driving in five, very short years.
you'll make it. i know it seems you won't ... but you will. and you WILL crave your husband again!!! :)
Um, you need to read my post again.
I get the fact that you're sick. If my wife was feeling sick for a sustained period, then of course I would give her whatever time she needed free of any sexual contact.
But I would be quite upset if she went on about it on the internet.
And where do you get the notion that I suggested it was about power-trips? Read my post again.
Anyway, men function on sex the way that women function on affection.
Your husband is doing well if he is still giving you the attention you need to get through this.
Since you are candid with your personal details, I assume that if you had been willing to *try it* just once you would have told us about that. You didn't have even one *good day* for his needs? In 9 whole months? Maybe 12?
I see it over and over with my married buddies. A good year or two, then children, then years of begging for sex, usually dispensed on anniversaries and birthdays, if they've been "a good boy".
Again, this has been a free and valuable bit of learning for me.
I can't comment on my own blog but I figured I'd try and find the post you were refering to over here on your blog!
I hear your pain. I lived your pain. I hated pregnancy too. It S-U-C-K-E-D. 100%. It was miserable and nasty and horrid. For four months I starved because I had 24/7 nausea and the second I so much as looked at food I wretched. But of course I couldn't just be nauseous. Nooooo, I had to be HUNGRY ALL THE TIME TOO!!
In my second month the cramps started. Everyone told me, "It's because your womb is stretching." No one told me that being pregnant would = relentless sickness and wracking abdominal cramps. Even my nasty periods (courtesy of Endromitriosis) were not that bad! And this was non-stop and I couldn't take pain killers!! (Or a dram of whisky...)
Then the **Pubis Symphasis Disorder** kicked in. And totally crippled me. I couldn't sit down so I had to stand up to eat, type an email, attend church... I'm not joking! I stood UP at the dinner table, all through Mass, everywhere! I couldn't sleep longer then one agonized hour at a time and so by the time the baby was extracted (I didn't give birth) I was already months and months behind on sleep and food!
Oh, and the lack of sex was the icing on the cake. Now that I'm a married woman I enjoy the luxury of having sex there to ease my frustrations away. Well too bad CoffeeCatholic! No Sex 4 U! I had to suffer all the "no one told me about this" crap of pregnancy with not one spot of lovemaking to help keep me sane. And no, I wasn't witholding sex on some kind of freaky power-trip. I've NEVER done that and I NEVER will do that. It was forced ~ I couldn't have sex. I was in so much pain it was not an option. I'm still in agony and still crippled in the pelvis but every now and then I give up and have a go anyway because at least I don't have a huge pregnant belly in the way.
When this kid grows up a bit and starts giving me a hard time I can blast her with, "You don't KNOW the crap I went through carrying your little butt around in mah belly and then screaming for FIVE DAYS trying to get you out!"
LOL
Hey, don't worry. For some of us pregnancy is a total nightmare.
Anon,
I'm having trouble trying to figure out how to answer your post without being overtly open to the point of inappropriate.
Writing the paragraph in the OP took a lot of thinking and maneuvering, and I'm not certain I did a good job - but I wanted to convey how frustrating, distressing, and torturous it can be for me to deny my husband a certain and specific pleasure. While at the same time, trying to convey how actually performing can be uncomfortable and sometimes painful.
My lack of sharing in benefits I DO give my husband is simply because it doesn't bother me. So I wouldn't mention such a thing in a post about my being honest with myself about the horrors of pregnancy.
Yes, maybe I did exaggerate a bit. There HAVE been moments - that I have taken full advantage of. Including calling him up and convincing him to play hookie at work on one of those rare non-queasy afternoons. However, those moments are getting rarer as the days wear on. And a lot of it has to do with the horribly uncomfortable physical changes going on.
Intimacy is no longer spontaneous, its planned methodically to allow for the least amount of interference as possible. Its approached scientifically and unromantically. And I'm not blaming him for that - au contraire, the one at fault is purely myself. But I have no idea how else to go about it - not with this odd shape I have for a body and all the weird, disgusting things it does.
CIG:
Hey! I really just “happened” (Calvinist at heart ;-) to read your blog this morning, then I "happened" to read an article that resonated with what you wrote here:
http://www.cbmw.org/Blog/Posts/Eternity-and-the-Inconvenciences-of-Motherhood
Also, though, a comment (more of a thread) popped in my noggin as well. I keep rewriting it in my mind, I couldn’t get through without it ballooning too much, so I’ll just stick with this. Having kids is work. Especially as a newlywed (don’t know where you are on that “scale” of things), especially as a couple spending chunks of time without one another (read your latest post). Being married is work, too. You know both of these, but I think it’s always good to be reminded that when stuff like this strikes, you’re not alone (or absurd or abnormal....thinking otherwise is a trap I fall into sometimes!). I suppose, mostly, is to stay (be) encouraged. As stated, it does pass, and (as also stated) can turn into a marriage-wrecking monster if we try to act as though we can tame it/change it/deal with it ourselves (more of a general application, not pregnancy-restricted!). That takes strength that doesn't come from yourself. Like you say, rely on God.
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